Hangar Queens
A hangar queen is an aircraft that has so many mechanical or electrical problems that it is under a roof more than in the sky. There are also less delicate nouns that can follow “hangar”. I know because some of the mechanics that worked on the helicopters I rode for three years used those words and a lot more.
A friend of mine sent me this list of mechanical problem reports from a company that has scores of airplanes in the air at any given time The pilot report is designated with a “P”. The “S” is the service technician.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
One of the men who worked on those Hughes 300C helicopters I rode- Kent Hurd, summed it up for a pilot one day with this gem: “We can teach a monkey to fly these &%$#@ things, but so far, not one of ‘em has learned how to fix one of them.”
