Sunday, October 30, 2005

WICKEDLY FUNNY COMMENTS ON BROADCASTING

 I don't usually repeat other people's work on this blog. But this is one of those exceptional pieces that is both funny, and sad at the same time for any of us who have worked in the news business for a number of years. A friend of mine, WSB Radio news anchor Bob Coxe shared it with me, and I decided to pass it along to you. It's about old- versus- new style news writing.

BY STEVE SAFRAN
LOST REMOTE
MANAGING EDITOR

"We interrupt this program to bring you a Special Report":
OLD: The president has been shot.
NEW: A cute girl is missing.

"Breaking News":
OLD: The president will resign.
NEW: There's a car on the side of the road with a flat.

"News Alert":
OLD: Man will land on the moon within the hour.
NEW: Man landed on Pam Anderson over the weekend.

"Exclusive"
OLD: We are the only people he would do an interview with.
NEW: We are the only people he would do an interview with from 7:43 am - 7:48 am.

"Live!"
OLD: Live!
NEW: Live (on tape or possibly an :01 generic for everyone)!

"Storm Central is in full gear!"
OLD: A major, possibly record-breaking storm is headed our way and there is important information you need to know for your safety.
NEW: It's looking sorta cloudy, isn't it?

"We have a crew on the way."
OLD: We have a crew on the way.
NEW: We just saw the story on the other channel and we're calling in our truck guy from his day off.

"We have new details..."
OLD: We have found out additional facts that are new and pertinent to your understanding of this complex story.
NEW: We got nothin', but we're rewriting the copy in the present tense.

"Our Team Coverage"
OLD: Four reporters on a big story that requires several locations to tell properly.
NEW: Eighteen reporters on a non-story, possibly standing within inches of each other.

"We are sending out our chopper."
OLD: Because there's a riot in the streets, and aerials will provide perspective as to its intensity, range and danger.
NEW: Because the promos say we will.

"We are the number one news station in town!"
OLD: We won in the ratings.
NEW: We won in the ratings among 34-59 year old middle-income white females earning $34,500 - $52,875 with two or fewer kids who are expected to purchase shoes in the next quarter.

"Go to our Web site for more information."
OLD: Go to our Web site for the exact same information.
NEW: Go to our Web site for more information buried among car ads, Google ads, our marketing message, our "community" work, team bios, show schedules and how to buy advertising on our channel.

"We are making calls right now to find out more."
OLD: We are making calls to our contacts who can give us the inside scoop.
NEW: We are waiting for the AP update thingy to go "ping"!

"This story will have major impact here at home."
OLD: Ways the national or international story directly impacts our community.
NEW: Someone in our 250 square mile area has a cousin who knows someone there.

"There has been a major outbreak of a deadly virus."
OLD: 35,000 people are infected and it is spreading out of control.
NEW: It showed up in a dead bird.

"This just in..."
OLD: We just found this out and we want you to know about it.
NEW: We finally got the prompter to work.

"Jeff Smith is on assignment."
OLD: Jeff Smith is doing a weeklong investigation into City Hall corruption.
NEW: Jeff Smith is holding out for more money.

"Our reporter joins us by videophone."
OLD: Because we wanted to get this to you quickly, and it's the best we can do right now.
NEW: Because it's a xxxxload cheaper than a live truck, a truck op, a cameraman and satellite time.

"Visit our blog."
OLD: Our what?
NEW: Our GM saw someone else doing it, so here it is.

"Are your children in danger? Watch us tonight to find out."
OLD: Yes, there is contaminated water at our playground that is making children ill.
NEW: No they aren't. Good tease writing, though.

"There is controversy tonight over..."
OLD: Two big shots are debating an important matter relating to politics, business or the community.
NEW: Someone thinks Lindsay Lohan and Calista Flockhart are too thin.

"Exclusive new undercover videotape..."
OLD: You mayor smoking crack with a hooker while stealing money from the city for more drugs.
NEW: Paris Hilton.

"You won't believe what we uncovered."
OLD: A smoking gun clearly showing the governor and his cronies on the take.
NEW: Something we took off "The Smoking Gun" Web site.

"That story when we return."
OLD: We have two minutes of commercials now, then we'll tell you the story.
NEW: It's buried in the "F" block, about 45 minutes from now.

"You are watching WXXX - the Emmy's station of the year."
OLD: We won "station of the year" this year.
NEW: We won it 16 years ago. Before there was competition.

"We are having technical difficulties."
OLD: Something broke. We're fixing it.
NEW: It never worked in the first place.

"Don't miss our News at Five!"
OLD: Watch us. There has been a lot going on today.
NEW: Please watch us or we're getting ditched for Dr. Phil.

 

 

 

Posted by Dave Foulk at 02:25:07 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Thursday, October 06, 2005

A Few Good (and some not so good) Ones

My morning colleague Hallerin Hill gets to hear the beta version of a lot of my humor.  He will never admit it, but he laughs at some of it.  Hal has a goal of telling his dad at least one good joke a day, and I have made it my mission to help him.  Here's a list of the latest ones I've found.

The Bermuda National Orchestra reports their triangle player is missing.

Queen Elizabeth has granted peerage to the man who invented the modern zipper.  He will be known as Lord Of The Flies.

Two dogs will collars feel strangely uncomfortable in a bar.  They notice none of the other dogs are wearing collars, and that they have inadvertently wandered into a stray bar.

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

The Pillsbury Dough Boy died....of a yeast infection.

A milkman joins the Masons, and then goes around giving everybody the secret milkshake.

The most valuable piece of paper in the captain's safe- says "starboard is on the right".

Commode stolen from police headquarters.  Detectives say they have nothing to go on.

Political survey of nudists shows a definite swing to the left.

High winds, and a chicken gets downwind, and lays the same egg three times.


I once spent a long time with the famous comedian Red Skelton.  One thing I learned from him is that the simple jokes are often the funniest.  I like the little quickies that can deliver a chuckle for just a moment.  In my line of work, those moments help keep my sanity..hmm Hallerin might say they keep what's left.
Posted by Dave Foulk at 13:52:41 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |